Things I was most pleased about in 2006: Brazil not winning the World Cup (I cant be the only person who doesnt buy into this stupid team-Nike keepy-uppy love-in?), Sissoko ruling very hard, A good trip to Cardiff for the FA Cup Final and taking over Old Trafford for the semi-final.

Things I was displeased about: Diving and cheating still not being addressed properly. It really isnt that hard to figure it out chaps but what you have to do is actually f*cking make an effort and stop sucking so hard at the breast of the clubs that youre getting blood.

Best player of the year: Gianluca Zambrotta. The ultimate full-back, who is superb on both the left and the right and excels equally when defending or

Follow up:

attacking. The perfect player has never been seen but this lad is one of the nearest things to it. Best player in the side that eventually won the World Cup and no amount of Cannavaro compliments are going to convince me otherwise. Honourable mentions to Thierry Henry, Christiano Ronaldo, Didier punch me in the face Drogba and the man mentioned below.

Newcomer of the year: Emmanuel Eboue. Despite the fact that he is a diving tw@t Eboue was a player who not only forced his way into the Arsenal side due to injuries but was a major factor in their run to the Champions League Final. Id imagine a lot of Arsenal fans will be asking if they really need Lauren anymore and that is a testament to the progress of Eboue. His dive in the final also set up a Sol Campbell goal which I won nearly £200 off so we can let him off for that.

Worst player of the year: Micheal Brown. A player who managed on a number of occasions toattempt to end other player’s careers and allied it with such a lack of ability as to question how he could possibly still be in the Premiership. Ben Thatcher running him close for the King of the shithouses title.

Best game of the year: Ghana v Czech Republic. It was Mental but so, so entertaining. I cant remember ever wanting anyone other than Liverpool to win as badly as I did when Ghana were bending Brazil over a wall and violating them in front of a World audience. Just a shame they had organisational skills at the back which would make the Bramble family blush.

Best pundit of the year: Jimmy Armfield on 5live. He keeps it simple and is pleasing to the ear.

Best Commentator of the year: Alan Green, with Mike Ingham a close second.

Football writer of the year: Me. Again. Obviously!

Most confused and lost old man with a microphone of the year: JohnMotson. I think that was a corner wasnt it Mark? I think that is Beckham isnt it Mark? Where am I Mark? Why are my underpants wet and warm Mark?

Hair of the year: Bolo Zenden. Majestic.

Funniest incident of the year involving a money-grabbing cockney, with a talentless Geordie wife, who brings out a book which nobody buys but causes him all the grief in the world: Ill let you guess.

Worst pundit of the year: Ian Wright; all the other media-muppets can all thank their lucky stars they have this clown to make them look so much better than they are. Sulking on live television and getting away with it…all due to the unique way the BBC is funded. Seriously, if I wanted to hear someone who knows absolutely f*ck all about tactics berating players who are significantly better than he ever was and shouting like a child then Id go to the fucking pub. STOP PAYING HIM WITH MY LICENCEFEE.

Forehead of the year: John Terry. So big its actually causing his back damage.

Most annoying fat Geordie w@nker of the year: Freddie Sheppard. His clueless hordes of servile followers come close though.

Manager of the year: Paul Jewell. Came into the Premiership and attacked their way away from relegation. Steve Coppell also deserves a mention for the sterling work he is doing with Reading.

Chairman of the year: Simon Jordan. Love him or hate him he is entertaining and his views this year have been honest, challenging and impossible to ignore. Also gains extra kudos for slating David Dein, ridiculing the FA and thinking that looking like a new-romantic crooner is still acceptable.

Tw@t of the year: Sam Allardyce. Not even Mourinho can challenge him for doing his utmost to ruin everything good about football. Pre-match: Right lads get out there anddive, moan, dive, hoof, dive, elbow dive and spit . Post-match: I think you have to look at the referee today, it was chaos out there now, wheres me pies! F*ck off you pseudo-intellectual shit-monger.

Goal of the year: Steven Gerrard vs West Ham in the FA Cup final. Dying minutes, dying on his feet, stunning technique.

by Stu Montagu