Well, its that time again - the time to plan the next 10 months of your life.


Between the end of the World Cup (July 9th) and the opening game against Sheffield United (August 19th), you've got exactly 41 days - 6 weeks to be the husband your wife always wanted you to be.


Here's how you plan them:


Week 1: Fix Shit.
Monday, July 10th, peg it down to B&Q and buy all the crap you've been meaning to get for the last year for all them household things.

Value: 6 to 10 games, depending on the state of the house at the end of the week (better or worse?)


Weeks 2 & 3: Holiday.
Note the strategy. A lot of blokes will be under pressure from their wives to go way straight after the World Cup. The airports will be stuffed.

You, however are cleverer. Even if your Mrs. is nagging you, you can always say "Yes my darling, but there's shit to fix first". (big kiss, TV dinner, shag). On top of that, you'll be knackered from banging in those couple of nails, so you'll be ready for a couple of weeks lobstering up.
Value: 2 to 12 games - depending on variables (did she get to go shopping for holiday clothes beforehand, did she choose the holiday, did you get pissed up and embarrass her, etc.)


Week 4: Optional.

You've got a bit of leeway here. If you've followed the programme so far, you might even get a night out with the boys to sort out your fantasy league teams. But remember, you've still got to do the 'little things', just to keep her ticking over. Remember the bins, pick up a Chinese, say she looks good stepping out of the bath, that sort of thing.
Value: 5 games

Magic Touch: Suggest you take her mother out for a meal
Value: a whopping 8 matches


Week 5: Discuss Finances/Lie

This is where you've got to use your poker face because you're going to have to tell a porky to the person who knows you best in the world (apart from all your mates and a couple of other blokes down the pub, oh yeah, and that girl you met on a long train journey, once).
This is the strategy: You cook dinner (there's a piss-easy recipe for Italian Braised Beef here), full on wine, little present & shit. After the meal, you tell her you think its time to talk about the future.

Here's where you lie - its called 'The Overtime Gambit' and its used a lot in Holland and Germany. You say:

"I know I don't talk about work much, but things are going pretty well at the moment and I think that next year, we might be able to look at buying that house you've been talking about."

- leave gap for effect, maybe get another bottle of wine from the fridge/rack -

"Anyway, it'll mean me putting in a bit of overtime once in a while. Not too often, but every now and then. I hope you understand."

Value: KA-BOOM! All mid-week matches are now covered


Week 6: Mr. Attentive (this is, by far, the hardest one).

You have to spend the entire week being her dream husband, doing all those things you know you should do but can never really be arsed. Don't forget, your actions this week have to carry her through 10 months of "Why the fuck did I marry this bastard?" so its worth biting the bullet and taking 7 days of misery.
Value: 6 to 12 games - depending on degree of (fake) sincerity


So there you have it: Play your cards right and you'll get a 'trouble free' 36 league games and, if you follow the plan to the letter, you'll have no trouble catching cup games as well.

Of course you'll have a lot to answer for next summer, but I'll have come up with an escape plan by then.


Note: I'd never lower myself to try any of these things personally love, honest.